A Fish Out Of Water

Arrived Hainan in Sanya today and my god is it hot. The sand burnt my toes to a crisp. But its amazing I mean just look at the view from our balcony…

Getting ready

For my trip to Hainan which is a tiny island about the size of Ireland to the South of China and it’s supposed to some kind of a tropical paradise. Time to get my speedos groove on…

Where do mushrooms come from?
Seriously have you ever sat there, like I did today, eating mushrooms at home or in a restaurant or for other, trippier reasons and thought of the amount of people who must have died or gone through some kind of horrific bout of illness just so you can sit there in your high chair with your silver forks and spoons and arrogant thoughts of healthy eating carelessly laughing your way through a tasty meal? Back in the day where you couldn’t just ‘run some tests’ and find out what’s what, can you imagine the amount of people who must have thought ‘well that one is definitely new to me it looks ok i reckon why don’t you give it a bite Bob maybe we’ll bring some home to ma and oh your dead’… Think of the good men we’ve lost on the field to give you that sweet taste of freedo - I mean -mushroom…

On a sunny day, in the months of may,
a farmer was hard at work.
An honest man with his family ran
the greatest farm in the land.
A local came by with gold in his pocket,
and bought from the peasant all his goods.
So good old him he took some gin
to celebrate out in the woods.
There he wandered for hours on end
talking to all the trees.
When suddenly, with the hint of a spark,
he dropped down to his knees.
What is it he thought, so shiny and grey
and so soft to the touch of my hand.
Picked it he did and smelt it with envy
but he still couldn’t understand.
Closer he held it and tighter too,
squeezing from it shiny dew.
And with one swift flick, possessed by the trick,
his mouth was clasping it too.
Surreptitiously smooth, a velvety crunch
His hands were reaching for more.
This will serve lunch, and food for a month
which my family are bound to adore.
So off he set home, like Caesar to Rome,
Happy as a man could be.

His family waited that very same night,
but he never came through the door.
He died in the forest,
his face to the light,
the Mushrooms sprawled out on the floor.

Hardest thing ever…

Day ¥

Went to my dad’s old music conservatory today where he grew up. It’s basically a huge music school for all ages where you eat, live and sleep. I’ve been there before seeing as my grandparents have their second apartment there so that when they teach they have a place to chill. But today I actually went around the school itself and explored all the rooms floor by floor. It so amazing to walk around and hear all this music coming from every room or to walk from courtyard to courtyard with violins and pianos and saxophones and xylophones and oboes and trumpets all echoing from every window. Seeing as my grandparents teach there I got a key to the rooms and started messing with the instruments. I played on a beast of a xylophone (wow never heard those 2 words in the same sentence) that was so bassy. Went straight for the Hang Me Up To Dry Cold War Kids tune. Also some weird thing that was like a piano but you pluck strings instead of hitting keys. I thought I was doing alright figuring out Mary Had A Little Lamb when this teacher walked in, smiled, sat down next to me and played the most inhuman thing I have ever seen. Man totally killed my mojo…

Can you spot me?

Went to a theme park today and did one of those Slingshots?
You know when there’s a ball in between two huge pillars with a elastic string holding them together and you sit in and you get flung up at god knows what speed?

A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.

Thought I was going to die. But I’d do it again.

And again. and again.

As you can see the guy next to me looks more like he’s giving birth to Barry White.

Day ˚

Today I learnt that there is no drinking age in China.
That’s all I have to say about that.

Day ©

Just watched an interview with Megan Fox about her upcoming movie ‘Jennifer’s Body’ where she kept doing weird things with her mouth until she eventually pulls away from the camera and goes ‘My god I’m sorry I don’t know why I keep burping at interviews’.
Total. Turn. Off. Suddenly she seems to be more Human than Goddess…

Livin La Vida Loca?
Disgusting.

That Kid Rock rip-off of ‘Sweet Home Alabama’?
Violence-inducing.

My Grandparents on KTV singing those classic old school chinese songs that go ‘woo0o0o0o aiie niiiii chiang zaiiiiii wo liaaaang’
Priceless.

KTV.
It’s written everywhere you go in the city. KTV HOUSE. KTV FUN. No1 KTV!
I just assumed it was a Tv channel or something. No. I was very very wrong.

Today I discovered the true horrific nature of KTV and how it has brainwashed millions across the country. It stands for Karaoke TV. And its HUGE over here. We were invited by some of my dad’s friends to go.

You walk in to what might as well be a 5 star hotel reception with nice lights and fountains and fancy decorations on the walls and waistcoated butler people who then take you down a hall with many, many doors. Honestly, you guys ever see that movie Brazil? Where he’s walking in the office block and can’t find his own door because they all look the same and there are like a million. Same thing here. I thought I was walking into one of those secret underground 1960s crack dens and they were going to show me to my pipe and hooker. So inside there are cozy little rooms with nice sofas around a table and a huge plasma tv with high tech wireless controls to choose your songs etc… I can understand why its popular to some degree because the rooms are just plain cool and when we got into ours they still hadn’t cleared the stuff away and there were loads of empty beer bottles and cigarette butts you could tell the previous people had had fun. It seems like a more luxurious alternative to the pub. But the singing…sigh… Every song you wish you never had to hear again was on these playlists from NUMA NUMA YAY! to YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL!

Went to a street market today and found these badboys,
John Lennon here I come…

Thank Ito Yokado